R.I.P.

February 21, 2005 - March 13, 2005

Cool Destiny's Vacation

Remembering a Wonderful time

So precious were the moments shared

The happiness you brought will be fondly remembered

Vacation, you are sadly missed by CD and the BF

May You Rest In Peace until we meet again ...

On the other side ... :'(

A Mother's Love Pt. III

My father came to me yesterday and said my mother said some stuff to him yesterday and he can't understand. My boyfriend was there with me at the time and the 3 of us were talking again about the situation between myself and her. They both asked ... begged ... implored me to talk to her. Because these are the 2 most important people in my life, I reluctantly agreed to at least make an attempt to hear what she has to say. I told them that I'm through talking and that I'm initiating this communication purely to hear what she has to say. They said, no I should talk and listen as well. I said OK.

So, in the evening daddy left and we were here alone and I approached her and proceeded to talk, asking her about what daddy said this morning. It turned out to be very emotional and I spoke freely (yeah yeah, I ended up talking too) about my feelings and although she wanted me to get into details and listing of all the things I talked about in a general sense, I told her that I wasn't going to rehash the past. I spoke of 2 incidents, 1 of which she brought up but claimed she didn't remember the whole story about (don't worry, I reminded her which of course she denied but there was no denying it) and another which was sort of the last straw in the huge pile of straws I have dealt with in the past. She actually apologized to me, we cried, and we ended on the note that now that the air is somewhat clear, we will see how things go from here on.

We have had an amazing, incredible, mind boggling, chart topping 2 conversations today!!! That's a big step from 0.

Let's see how this progresses. Thanks to all for your support on this issue. I guess there is still hope yet.

Is It A Sign?

I went to the gym this morning and right in the middle of my cardio work out on the treadmill ... THE BOTTOM OF MY SNEAKER FELL OFF!!!

Is it a sign?

I don't give a f * * k if it's a sign. I'm going to buy a new pair of sneakers tomorrow!!! Nothing stopping me now!!

A Few Good Men et al

I checked my profile today and realized that for some strange, odd reason, A Few Good Men was not listed as one of my favourite movies ... I can not explain how this travesty took place. I did say there were too many to name them all but I absolutely love that movie. No, no, no, it has nothing to do with the fact that Tom Cruise is in it but because of the events that took place in the court room. I love court scenes. I am particularly fascinated by the laws that seem to govern people in the service. It's like they have their own justice system, which by any extension of the imagination, seems to be more intimidating and far more strict that those imposed on civilians (maybe not so much for us in Jamaica since our justice system leaves much to be desired ... one can only dream).

One thing that always grabs me about this movie is the "politics" that form the part of every organization. Whether we want to believe it or not, there is some level of "politics" even in our family - the way situations are handled, the way things are said, there is always some diplomacy or politically correct way to deal with things. I think that for this reason alone, I have no hunger to seeek positions of power because with great power, comes great politics. Oh, I would love to be the CEO or Managing Director of a company but would love if it didn't come with the accepted pre-determined behaviours. It's like because you are a "big manager" or hold some "big position" at a company, you are not expected to display certain behaviours. There was a manager at my company, a very big manager not based here. But if you saw him outside of work, you would think he was a common criminal or some blue collar worker. He just looked normal and people used to frown on it saying that he's not portraying the image of a manager. It's almost like you are forced to give up your identity just because of the position you hold in society.

Mi caan deal wid dat. I must be able to wear my jeans and flip flops with a bandana tied on my head if that is how I feel comfortable outside of work regardless of my position. Am I not getting it? Am I wrong for thinking like this?

Naughty, Naughty, Naughty ... but Funny, Funny, Funny 

Battle (Round 1)

I began my gym regimen again yesterday. If I was a quitter, I would resolve that I was not meant to lose weight since everytime I begin a program with this goal in mind something happens - 1st my car accident, then medical reasons, then Hurricane Ivan. This is my 4th attempt and I pray that nothing will happen this time to cause me to stop in the middle of my program.

I am also following my nutritional plan to a tee ... that means no more junk food for me, no more rice, no more white flour - strictly whole wheat, no more dairy, no cheese, no mayonnaise - seriously!!! This has eliminated almost every aspect of all the things I love to eat so much. But if yu waan good, yu nose haffi run. So as of yesterday, I have gone on the plan. I'm doing well so far but I just could not pass up cream cheese on my whole wheat toast today. Have I started cheating already? Cream Cheese doesn't have half the calories of regular cheese right??? Or am I just rationalizing here.

I promise to keep you all up to date on my progress as this is a journey for me and will need all the support I can get. I know I can count on you ...

Bit By A Bug

I have been battling the draining of my sinuses since Monday. Thought I had it all under control ... only to realize on Thursday night that I may have now been afflicted with an ear infection in both ears I might add since I was having difficulty hearing. OMG!!! I'm going deaf!! I went to the doc this morning since I decided to give it a little time to wear off but it just won't go away. So I'm now burdened with the task of putting these annoying drops in my ears to clear out the build up there ... and then I'll have to go back to the doctor to have my ears syringed. I have never had this done before but he said it would not be painful especially since I'll be using the drops to disintegrate what is in there now.

So, I'm hoping that all this will be all cleared up in time for my undesirable return to work on Tuesday. Yeah, the vacation is over - well spent - but over much to my distress. I am also returning to work with added responsibilities of managing the domain for a while. I am looking forward to the experience and am happy to add another accomplishment at my company that I can add to my profile ... development is wonderful!!

There are still a few hours left in the weekend so enjoy to the fullest!

Caring

Care: watchful or protective attention, caution, concern, prudence, or regard usually towards an action or situation

I found this definition aptly appropriate. When you care for someone, what does this mean? I think I am a very caring person. Sometimes, I think I care too much. I just hate to see people in need or hurting and not have this inate desire to help. Things and times have changed so much. In times gone by, everyone looked out for everyone. People who lived in a community all knew each other and lent a helping hand whenever they could. People were not as selfish as they are now. It is so bad that people now-a-days seem to turn a blind eye to persons in need. I think I read in the paper a few weeks ago about a young lady who was being attacked on Barbican Road and persons in their car and pedestrians, just continued on their way without rendering some assistance to her. The victim was quite upset and proceeded to chastise these persons seeing her being attacked and doing nothing about it. She then stated that people's response was that they thought it was a domestic matter - her and her partner/lover having a quarrel on the street - and as such didn't get involved. Now, it is always said that "cockroach nuh business inna foul fight" ... and times are so serious now that you could end up being a victim of injury or dead in an effort to help. Does this mean that we will continue to be our own keeper, not concerning ourselves with our brothers and sisters?

Maybe, I need a wake up call or something but I just don't think that this kind of behaviour is right. I guess I can talk as I've never been in a situation such as the young lady I mentioned above to provide assistance in that manner, and who knows, probably I would turn my eye the other way too, at least after looking on to see if I could help.

We have truly become a selfish nation ... sad but true. Is there hope for us?

The Other Woman

Once, many moons ago, I was involved with a married mad. We met purely by chance. He called my office one day to get some information about a case he was working on. This one call let to several others doing investigation on this particular case until he said that he thinks he needs to get some more 411 from me and proceeded to ask for my phone number at home. I found him to be "interesting" so I gave it to him. And thus began our affair. We talked on the phone for about a month before we decided it was time to meet face to face. This was arranged and we met to have a drink. Needless to say I wasn't disappointed and neither was he. We continued to correspond with each other on the telephone, going out on an occasional date, to watch a movie, or a play or go to a club or whatever we felt we wanted to do. He was a very mature individual being 33 at the time and we spoke about various topics from politics, to religion to economics (which was his area of expertise), to relationships, to sex ... our conversations were endless, late in the night, early in the morning, during the day at work, when he picked me up from work, when I went to meet him at his office - we did a lot of talking and I loved that. Someone who challenged my in a different way and in some way forced me to read more so that I could converse with him on any topic.

As the time passed, we became intimate ... and we loved it! He was having problems in his marriage which (coincidentally) stemmed from his infidelity in the past. A very complicated individual he was. He had a child prior to his marriage, as did his wife, he and his wife had a child together and he had another child outside his marriage, this child being pretty much the same age as the child he had with his wife! What had I gotten myself into??????

Anyway, I kept telling myself that I would not get sucked into his life and that I would not allow myself to get too close to him for comfort. Easier said than done. Although we spent a lot of time together, you can understand that there were always restrictions to our "relationship". I couldn't call him whenever I felt the need to hear his voice, or to have phone sex in the middle of the night or go out on a date with him when he and the wife had to be somewhere with the children. RESTRICTIONS!! Any relationship with restrictions of any sort in my eyes is no relationship at all. When you are with someone, everything should be open, unhibited, free.

Because I knew that he wasn't really mine, I didn't make any demands of him - not his time, not his money, not his affection, not sex. If he said he couldn't pick me up from work, or couldn't see me on a particular evening, I was very understanding as I knew I was always second whether I liked it or not.

Eventually, I started to "wise up" and began to drift away from him. I didn't call him as often, didn't see him as often and we ended up having a big fight which was the beginning of the end of our blissful encounter. It eventually ended with him migrating with his family (a last minute decision). Even at this point, I was the one who made many a trip with him to his mother in the country, helped him to pack up the last of their belongings, cleaned out the house he and his wife lived in, dismantled the bed he and his wife slept in, made love in.

In talking to him since his departure more than 5 years ago, he has maintained that he never had a relationship such as the one he had with me. He viewed our connection as unique, complete, one that he says even his wife mentions to him from time to time - "the time when he was just so preoccupied". He still talks to me now about the challenges in his marriage and told me that if I had just demanded more from him, he knew that he would have left his wife and family to be with me as I gave him more satisfaction in every aspect of his life (not just sexually). I saw things differently thinking that I had no right to demand anything from someone who was not rightfully mine. I guess I will never know if he really meant this, although I think he did.

You live and learn from your experiences in life and know that I will never go down this road again. It is a lose-lose situation that will only cause pain and hurt for anyone who choses to live the life of another woman.

This post was inspired by "Diary of an Affair" and I pray that she will get hit by a brick of wisdom and reach for a bigger, brighter star and find a man she will love and call her very own.

I'm Back

Well, I'm back. Have been since Sunday but was afflicted with the flu bug which totally knocked me off my feet. I had a wonderful weekend! I got a lot of much needed relaxation, even more loving and I am pleased. My plans went well and were appreciated by my significant other ... so all in all ... it went according to plan. Hhhhmmm ...

Just to let y'all know that I'm still on the face of the earth and counting down the final days of my vacation .... man ... I could get used to this life. It did get nerve-racking at times with nothing to do but for the most part, I think I could get used to living a life of pure, casual, enjoyment! Getting up whenever I want, doing whatever I want, whenever I want as fast or as slow as I want ... nothing better than being in control of your life!!! Oh well ... I will just have to settle with continuning to do the work of my employer and hope that one day soon I'll be able to be my own boss at which time I can set my own pace.

More later.

PS. Somehow I'm not surprised that everyone wants to hear about my weekend. Some things I view as sacred and extremely personal that I wouldn't share ... these include times shared with my boo. Sorry to disappoint those so eager to hear of my love tryst ... I'm sure you can come up with something else ... !!!

Whoa

Well, this vacation turned out to be busier than I thought, with my father's car in the shop, I am reduced to the insignificant job of "Chauffeur" for 2 days. I don't mind though because before I had my own ride, my dad's car was pretty much mine until he got a life!!!

Anyhow, just a quick note to say hi. Lots been going on but too much and a little bit too personal to blog about right now. I guess one day I'll get it all off my chest.

I however plan to have a wonderfully erotic and special weekend so I'll catch y'all next week!

Here's something fun for you to think about until my return:

Is there anything specific that you would like me to write about? Any burning questions you would like to ask? Anything at all??? Post them in your comments or email them to me ... I am anxious to see who will take this bait :)

Here fishie fishie fishie ...