World's Best Divorce Letter

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan

Necessity or Just Because?

I remember the days when getting a Masters Degree was done out of a need to do so; to become a doctor, lawyer, nuclear physicist or some profession that required more in depth knowledge. Now-a-days, it seems that getting a Masters Degree of any sort has become a fashion statement. I know several persons now who are just doing a masters degree just to say they're doing it and just to eventually say they have one. They don't believe that it will move them up the corporate ladder in any way, they are not doing it in a field they love or that forms a part of their career goal. They are just doing it ... just because.

It costs J$1M to do an MBA with no guarantee of a better job, a better pay or even a better life. It seems the Masters has now become kind of a fashion statement with the to-bes in society.

Personally, if I could afford to do the MBA, I would. But we're talking about enough money to make a deposit on a home or buy a home for that matter and I just don't think I need to do that right now. My BBA is good enough for now. There are many persons who are making a decent living without more than a high school diploma ... and I mean legally making a decent living, not criminal elements who survive on extortion or drug-running.

Until I can either:
1) Get a scholarship to do my masters or
2) Have my company pay for me to do my masters or
3) Get a great job so I can afford to pay for my masters or
4) They start giving away masters for little or nothing ....

I will not be caught up in the "fad" of doing a Masters Degree just because.

40 Mistakes Men Make ... Season Finale

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

40 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex, Pt. 3

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy
some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.


22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.


26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like
the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.


29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an
excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

GRAND FINALE ... ALMOST HERE!

40 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex, Pt. 2

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at
all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties·

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're
trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay
more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.


15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing
massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.


16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.


17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line
worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.


19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.


20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

Pt. 3 ... coming soon!!

40 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex, Pt. 1

Hello my faithful blog mates. I've been M.I.A. for a little while due to the many stresses in life, inflation, Hurricane Katrina & Rita (yeah, I'm jumping on the band wagon) ... but here I am again to stir your interests, peak your curiosities and get some of you annoyed as hell at me!

I got this email today, "40 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex" ... with a note saying "Only 40 guys, we're steadily improving!" ... sad ain't it?? Nonetheless, I'll be sharing 10 of these interesting little tidbits for the next 4 days or so for your laughing or crying pleasure. Enjoy!

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. ·

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't
stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole
breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.


8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the
damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

Stay tuned for Pt. 2!

Friendship Prayer :-)

Have A Great Week Everyone!

This is how my piggy bank looks after putting 1/2 tank of gas in my car! Tragic ain't it??

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Feeling Like ...

Feeling like shit today.

Rising Stars

I don’t know if you have been following Digicel’s Rising Stars competition. If you haven’t, you have been missing a exceptional display of talent! It is down to the final 4 and it is a stiff competition. This year’s rising stars finalists are of a high caliber. It is anybody’s race at this point.

For my international readers, Rising Stars is the Jamaican version of your American Idol. We have it all down to the Simon wanna be!

I’m rooting for Christopher Martin! The boy has talent and I think he has what it takes to make it in the music industry in Jamaica. Not sure about his ability to propel to the international scene but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I think I’ll enter next year! Have a good one y'all.

Da Real Man

I had a conversation with a guy yesterday and it got me thinking about just how some men are. This post may yank some chains and if it offends anyone who may not share my views, get over it!

The guy was basically saying that his father warned him about women who want to act as though they wear the pants in the relationship, like she’s the man. Now, he was not able to back up or justify his point by explaining just what his father meant. I could only assume that he himself was still trying to understand what he meant. However, he went on to say that some women don’t allow a man to be a man. Now, I will not disagree but I asked him if he stopped to think why this could be so. There are a few of men out there who don’t deserve to be called men. They act worse than a 4 year old who just got a bowl of ice cream with M & Ms on top with Hershey Chocolate Syrup!! There are so many women who are playing the role of man and woman in a household, in a family. I have friends who do everything in their relationship … including what would be considered a man’s job. Why? Why? I just can’t understand.

Some women may think that I’m not for femininity, women’s lib and independence. We all know that there is nothing that a man can do that a woman can’t. We may not be better at it but if need be, we won’t be left out in the cold just because we don’t have a man. Now, this is a concern to men. Now-a-days, you hardly find men doing simple things like holding the door for a woman. Some men say women no longer appreciate that kind of stuff and this might be true.
I am all for making a man feel like a man. Nothing is worse when a man feels like he’s being short-changed, disrespected or put down … especially by the fairer sex. I remember once I had to put a man in his place in front of one of his boys just to prove a point. He was an asshole anyway and was acting like he was “da man” just because his friends were around. A real man does not need to front to prove his masculinity. The level of maturity a man displays, the level of responsibility he accepts, the way he interacts with his mate/partner/wife/boo and with his peers is what will corroborate his masculinity and manhood. If you are a real man, everyone will know it and respect it.

30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know

I just love to taunt sometimes. Trouble, sure you'll agree with a few of these!

Enjoy everyone ... It's almost Friday!!!

30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know ... ok ... maybe 31!

1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with
you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that
time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache,
beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if
you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees,
or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we
can stand up and go pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't
have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice
if you did the same every once in a while. We like to knowthat you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans
sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what
you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just
mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we
believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better
anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it
up when you're done.
26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.....
and maybe....oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your
friends, but to us it's just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it
down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
31. Boys are NOT stupid so DON'T throw rocks at us.